The Ultimate Delivery Room Mix Tape

The world is a scary place.

Terrorism. Global warming. Ballooning national debt. Bullying. Drugs. The Kardashians. Female drivers.

And I’m just getting started!

Yup. The world is a scary place. And we’re about to bring a little tiny human being into it!

There’s a lot to worry about as a soon-to-be parent. I could certainly focus on any one of those things and drive myself crazy. But none of the things I listed compare to my number one fear for little Beau Thomas Richardson:

My biggest fear is that my future son won’t love music the way I do!

I mean, what if we’re driving down the road one day and he asks me to play “Florida/Georgia Line” or something wretched like that? What if the opening power chords for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” start blaring and he says, “How can you listen to this?” Am I allowed – as his father and disciplinarian – to kick him out of a moving car?

I don’t know. But what I DO know is that apparently babies can hear music and begin forming memories while still in the womb! And apparently it’s also a thing now where mommy and daddy put together a “Delivery Room Playlist” to be played – you guessed it – in the delivery room! And guess what? Mommy said I get to make the playlist!

This is going to be awesome.

Here – in a VERY particular order – is our playlist for D-day:

Pink Floyd – “Comfortably Numb”

Roger Waters wrote a dandy little song about epidurals:

Okay – just a little pin prick.
There’ll be no more, but you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it’s working. Good.
That’ll keep you going for the show.
Come on, it’s time to go!

He is talking about epidurals. Right? And I think the “show” is the miracle that’s about to take place! I guess he must have had an epidural because he describes the feeling in such vivid detail. So as the numbness sets in, I figure we should ease into this thing with the next song.

REM – “Everybody Hurts”

Just a slow, soothing song to get things started. I imagine when we first get into the delivery room that mommy will have her feet propped up, eating ice cream. There’ll be a contraction here and there. In fact, I envision the contractions will be timed perfectly with:

Don’t let yourself go.
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts. Sometimes.

I just want her to know that we all experience pain on occasion. Hang in there!

Cypress Hill – “How I Could Just Kill a Man”

Apparently my first song choice was not as hilarious / amazing as I thought. But, I anticipated that! So the next song was designed to give mommy some strength to fight through. In fact, I picture her staring deeply into my eyes during:

Next hear the shot of a magnum slug
Hummin’, comin’ at cha…
Here is something you can’t understand:
How I could just kill a man!

She actually looks really serious, though. Time lighten the mood a little bit!

Salt-N-Peppa – “Push It”

An obvious choice for this playlist. Is there a more appropriate song, really? Mommy is sure to be pumped up right about now. I mean, you know what this song is the second it starts playing.

In fact, I’m not even gonna quote the lyrics. You know you’re singing it in your head right now.

Creed – “With Arms Wide Open”

I think Scott Stapp can definitely teach me a thing or two about becoming a father. Mommy is probably busy “pushing it” right now, so it’s a good slot in the playlist for one of my personal favorite songs:

With arms wide open,
Under the sunlight.
Welcome to this place,
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open.

I have to just stop there. The depth of the lyrics is just too overwhelming. I think this is right about the time where I break down.

In fact, I can’t think about it anymore. Just listen for yourself: Watch the entire video!

The Doors – Break on Through (to the Other Side)

Mommy isn’t happy that I just played a Creed song moments before our son is born. I argue with her that I think he should be exposed to all types of music and form his own opinions. Mommy says she has an opinion, and that I should turn it back to that Cypress Hill song.

Right about this time, Jim Morrison is in the middle of an epic yell:

Break on through to the other side!
Break on through!
Oww! Oh, yeahhhhhhh!

Mommy is screaming in unison with The Lizard King himself. She must still be upset about that Creed song.

Ice Cube – “You Can Do It”

This is a good one to cheer mommy on:

You can do it!
Put your back into it!

And that’s about as far as that song gets because everyone in the entire delivery room is offended.

Seriously. Don’t Google the lyrics. We skip the rest of this song.

The Four Seasons – “Big Girls Don’t Cry”

Mommy LOVES Frankie Valli! “Jersey Boys” is even her favorite musical.

Actually, mommy HATES Frankie Valli. And she hates me right now. The opening a capella bit really sets her off.

Skip!

Elton John – “Circle of Life”

I’m thinking the last few songs won’t go as planned because Baby Beau is entering the world! It’s probably chaotic. Nurses running around throwing things. Placenta all over the place. Daddy passed out on the floor. Mommy screaming – either in pain or at me passed out on the floor.

Something like that.

But all the chaos subsides as the Zulu ends and the chorus begins! And daddy rhymes! And yes, I WILL hold our son out like Simba. And I will have someone take pictures to prove it. And I will post them.

And now mommy isn’t mad at me anymore. Right? Hehehe.

But that’s kind of a boring song to end on.

Ice Cube – “It was a Good Day”

Gotta end on a bigger note than an Elton John ballad. Back to some ’90s gangsta rap:

Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
I gotta say it was a good day!

Don’t Google those lyrics, either. Just sing along to the jingle.


So there it is. That’s our “Ultimate Delivery Room Mix Tape.” Or playlist. I just said “mix tape” because we ended on hip hop.

Okay. That’s MY proposed playlist. We’ll probably tweak a song or mix up the order a little bit. We’ll see.

I’ll keep you posted.

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