The Name is Revealed: Donald Trump Richardson

Just kidding. I just wanted to try some click bait.

Apparently, the hardest part of a pregnancy is not the pain and discomfort. It’s not the exams. It’s not the labor and delivery. The hardest part of a pregnancy is picking a name for the baby!

Actually, I wouldn’t really know. Katie will have to chime in on that. But picking a name has not been easy.

That being said, the time has come to make the next big announcement:

Katie and I have decided on the name…

Yeah, right. We’re not telling anyone the name. At least not publicly. We don’t want to expose Baby Rich to the brutality of modern social media at such a tender age (negative 5 months). I don’t know if he has ears yet, but we will just shield him from the haters for now.

However, we have narrowed down the list of names. And I can say that we favor more traditional names. Very traditional. Not even old skool – we’re talking Old Testament.

Many names from that sacred era have stood the test of time, withstanding thousand of years of trends. Here – in no particular order – are our favorites. On our about July 22nd, Baby Rich will go by one of these classic names:

Habakkuk

I actually don’t even know what this name means. Or how to pronounce it. But isn’t it incredible?

Can you imagine walking in on your first day of kindergarten and the teacher asking how to pronounce your name? I would just laugh.

And then I would smite the teacher. Because that’s what people in the Old Testament did.

Jehoshaphat

We’d just call him “J.” It would make for a good conversation starter with the ladies.

Shadrach

His two best friends were Meshach and Abednego. The Three (Hebrew) Amigos.

We like the friends’ names, but Shadrach seems to be the leader of the pack. And that’s what Baby Rich is going to be (but only for positive activities).

And oh, yeah. HE SPENT THE NIGHT IN A FIERY FURNACE. AND LIVED!

King Nebuchadnezzar tossed him and his buddies in a fire pit because they refused to bow down and worship him. Shadrach gave ol’ King Ned the Old Testament middle finger and lived to tell about it.

I’m really liking the name Shadrach.

Methuselah

Meaning: “Man of the spear.”

I don’t know what that means. Does he wield the spear? Does he die by the spear?

Who cares? The man lived to be 969 years old! How awesome is that? I want our son to live to be 969.

Wait. So you graduate high school at 18. Graduate college at 22. Get a job and start a family. Retire at 65. That’s 904 years of retirement! That sounds AMAZING.

We better get started with his investment account now. It’s going to take quite a few years of compounding interest to pay for 904 years of retirement.

Goliath

Dude was a giant. The greatest warrior of the Philistine army.

Although we do struggle with this one, because he was the bad guy in the story.

Oh, and he died when a small river rock hit his forehead. But the name still inspires fear, which is totally what we’re going for in a name.

Cain

One syllable. Hard consonants. That makes for a good, strong name.

We’ll have to figure out how to work around the whole “killing your own brother” stigma that’s attached to this name, though. But it’s been, like, 6000 years. I think people are over it.

Samson

Now we’re talking. This guy was so strong he could slay lions and take out an entire army with the jawbone of a donkey. And he owned the whole “long hair, don’t care” look.

He had supernatural, God-given strength. And God even gave him permission (or the order, rather) to let his hair grow out. I want Baby Rich to have those things, so the name “Samson” seems fitting.

Although, he did have an affinity for harlots. That’s a tough label to shake. And one of them cut his hair while he was passed out from too much “strong drink.” And then he supposedly pushed over the columns of a building and it collapsed on him and killed him.

I’d say we’re 50-50 on Samson.

Ezekiel

Meaning: “May God strengthen him.”

Yes, please. And it just sounds strong, doesn’t it?

Ezekiel was a prophet who wrote about the destruction of Jerusalem and rebuilding of God’s Temple. So he had the gift of prophecy, which couples nicely with a strong name like that. Double bonus!

But the main reason we love the name has to do with the esteemed Jules Winnfield (and I quote): “And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.”

Now that is strong. If Ezekiel is awesome enough to be quoted in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson, then I don’t know how we can refuse.


So there it is. Those are the names we are choosing from for Baby Rich. We feel it’s best not to reinvent the wheel when dealing with such an important decision.

We’ll announce our choice when Baby Rich arrives, so it’s just right around the corner.

Which one would you pick?

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